just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
