i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
