i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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