Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
