... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
