And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
