I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
