just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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