I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
