i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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