Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Randomize
