I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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