I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
