I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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