there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
