Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
