i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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