I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
