booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize