I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
