Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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