do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
