i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
