Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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