Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
