If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
