Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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