Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
