dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
