8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
