is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
