***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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