Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
