I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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