Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
