I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
