Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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