i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
