Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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