its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
