Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You're my little dorito
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
