apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
