i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Life is so much better after having sex.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
