My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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