her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
