She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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