if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
