you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
