Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
