I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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