I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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