Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
