I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
