god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
