My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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