She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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