I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I want to be your penis for a week.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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