Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
