DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
