If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
